Preparation kills anxiety

I’m sweating profusely in fear and anxiety. It’s June 2015, I’m sitting in an exam room—the classic gymnasium filled with plastic chairs and wooden desks wall-to-wall, shoulder to shoulder.  It's my intro to Finance exam, notoriously difficult. It’s only 15 minutes in but it feels like it’s been an hour. I can't focus. It feels like time is standing still. Thoughts rush through my mind: "There's no way I'm going to pass this. If I don't, I might fail the unit, and it's going to be a blemish on my record forever. Why is this exam so hard?

I stagger through, completing only 75% of the exam. A month later, the verdict arrives: 56%. A razor-thin pass. Relief floods over me. Fast-forward 2 years. It’s July 2017. It’s the holidays, but I’m not really on holiday. I’ve been in my study the whole time, submitting 20+ applications to investment banks and preparing for potential interviews. An audacious move after almost failing my introduction to finance unit. Nonetheless, today, banks start calling successful applicants.

I’m waiting patiently at home. The last 2 years has been a hard slog. Hundreds of hours of study. Internships. Finance competitions. Finance clubs. Coffee meetings with investment bankers. I have financial equations coming out of my ears.

The phone rings: it’s Goldman Sachs. The most selective bank in the world. They want me for a first-round interview. But, they ask me to come tonight. Gulp.

It’s the biggest moment of my prospective career. I flashback to that June 2015 exam, wondering if I'll crumble under pressure again. Maybe I won’t be so lucky this time?  I’m expecting the anxiety to flush through my body at any moment. But as I step out of the taxi and walk into the building, something feels off.

I don't feel anxious. I feel…a deep sense of calmness. A simple thought fills my mind: I've done everything I can to prepare for this interview. I've left no stone unturned. It hits me: My anxiety during the Finance exam wasn't because I thought I might fail. It was because I hadn't even tried. My study for the semester was a grand total of ~10 hours. I’d been prioritising water polo, training with the Australian team.

It wasn’t the exam that was hard, it was me who hadn’t prepared for the exam. Even if I don't get the job, I've left everything on the field trying to—and that's all that matters. There is no need to be anxious. You either succeed, or you fail knowing you did everything you can to succeed. At the end of the day, that’s all you can ever do. In life, it’s rarely about the the outcome. It’s about your relationship with yourself. Keeping promises to yourself. And knowing that you left it all on the field.

The deepest anxiety is the inescapable, chronic anxiety from knowing that you never really tried. Never took a risk. Never stood for something. The good thing is that effort is always within your control. Preparation kills anxiety. And fortune favours the bold.

Act accordingly.